Nothing good about Good-byes

goodbye roatan

I hate goodbyes.  There's absolutely nothing good about saying bye, especially to people that you don't know if you'll see again.  I'm currently (as i wrote it before, now i made it back to Colorado), I am currently sitting in a bus station in La Ceiba writing in a book that my friend Britt gave me before I even left and haven't used it since then, but my freaking computer is broke.  Ok, so freaking good bye to Roatan.  This may be the ending or it could be the beginning.  I guess it doesn't matter either way.

So we left off with my analyzing the boys and my dream about them.  Again, I'm not sure if it's the end or the beginning... could maybe be in the middle?  But I'll try and sum it for right now.  So Thursday night, no Thursday day was  a great day.  I hung out with Jenny Blenny, Tasha and Amanda at Half Moon Bay Resort.  I, of course, had to show Amanda before we loundged my new favorite place- the iron shore.  We went to lounge in the chairs and Jenny came along and need some cheering up so I told her all about my boy drama, which really isn't that much but you know girls we like to freak out a bit more than is necessary.  Jenny is still on crutches but she went snorkeling.  And yes, I went snorkeling too.  The funny kind of snorkeling with half of your head out of the water.  But i saw 2 squids, a lobster, and lots of different fish.  It had been so long since I had seen what was beneath.  Hanging out with the girls, seeing the squid and underwater life again mad me melancholic.  I love diving.  I love being underwater.  I love watching the squid change color, the lobster starring you down wondering if you are predator or prey.  I love my girls.  I love all my friends that i have met here.  Remember I fall in love with everyone.  Well so here it goes my bye, bye to them all, to the island, because I'm not sure when I'll be back and there is nothing good about not seeing them almost on a daily basis even though most of the time we are wondering what should we do?  Boo, I'm bored.  Oh wait that might just be Chase.

Let's start with Chasey Poo.  I'll get to a summary of the last 3 days, there's a couple of good juicy parts in there.  Chase and I have grown up together.  We've been on this adventure almost for the exact same amount of time.  We are ten years apart, but you'd probably guess me a bit younger and him older.  He's tall, muy guapo with mostly shaggy brown curly hair.  He's got these two dimples that just make him dreamy.  He's sweet to Max and all dogs.  I don't know if he has a mean bone in his body.  I've seen him grow from Noelle's son to "Chase" on the island.  Meaning that he's no longer defined by his mother here and in fact she might now be Chase's mom.  There is a part of life when you are growing up where you no longer are defined by who your parents are, but who you are.  And Chase is growing up.  Chase told me he'd stay in touch only if I write to him and actively keep in touch.  It's hard when saying good-bye because really you don't know if you are going to stay in touch.  Most people here I won't see again.  Chase, well, I hope to see him again.  I can't wait to see what kind of guy he grow up to be.  I'm sure he'll be an amazing man.

I know I'll see Maxi again.  Max has made my life here so great, more fulfilling then without him I'm for sure.  He has an effect on everyone who sees him.  Whether he's in a good mood or bad, people are always drawn to him.  He's 3 remember- he has bad moments quite often, people always come up to him and try to talk with him.  He's got the cutest little pouty face, when he cries his long eyelashes are wet for a while after he stops crying.  When he giggles the world laughs with him, and when he says yes it sounds more like yef, but it's the cutest thing in the world.  He says "oh ya", "Eh", "Nay", "No", and "where is ___ at now?" all the time.  His vocabulary has grown so much from when they got back to the island back in November.  I love hanging out with Max, even if it's during the day sitting on the steps, not saying anything and just watching the people pass on the street.  It's a toss up between who is my best friend on the island... Max or Mo.  Ok really I have so many, because they are all amazing.  But Max and Mo, I could hang out with them forever.  Mo and I would walk Max to Sundowners to watch the sunset.  We'd run errands, take me to the doctors or do something super fun like the day we went to Wendy's in French Harbor and climbed the jungle gym and then went to play bumper cars and had more fun then Max.  Mo is an amazing mom to Max and an amazing woman.  She's the most stylish woman on the island.  It's not just about the clothes that she wears, it's how she wears the clothes and how she wears herself.  She's an amazing woman.  She's sophisticated yet laid back, and not at all pretentious, she sees the big picture but knows that sometimes it's important to look at the smaller things.  She's absolutely hilarious and I think that is a huge feat in a different language.  The day I told her that I found her absolutely hilarious she said you should hear me in Dutch.  Darling, I'd love to learn Dutch just to hear how freaking hilarious you are.  My little Dutch family.  I love Eddie too, just don't tell him how much.  I respect Eddie so much especially after working for him.  He can be a bit of a prick behind the bar, but as he out right admits, it's all part of an act.  He's sweet as apple pie, well maybe not completely.  Lets put it this way, he's sweet as apple pie to those he loves.  I trust him completely and know that if anything bad were to happen I could count on him no matter what.  It's funny how we make families that are similar in different places.  Eddie and Mo are are so my Courtney and Todd in Colorado.  Remember Todd is one of the main reasons why I moved here, oh crap now it's there, it changes so quickly.

me and amanda as pirates
 

Oh there are so many people who I will miss here, there where ever I am.  The people who help me on my adventures.  The people, the color of my adventure.  Well there are 3 wise women who I will miss a bunch and will bunch them together because just like Eddie, Mo, Max and Chase they are a part of my extended family.  Oh my god, my life is such a show, I need to keep going.  Ok, my girls Kala, Robyn and Amanda.  All dive instructors.  These girls are independent strong women.   Not afraid of themselves, not afraid to love, know who they are, constantly learning that maybe they are just getting to know themselves.  Learning to love themselves one step at a time.  I see them in each other, I see them in myself, I see the unique qualities.  I fall in love with my girls all over, every time I hang out with them.  Kala is strong, she's laid back, she's a party queen, she's self conscious, she's respectful and constantly loses things.  How many times has there been the morning after where I bring something that Kala has left behind.  I always asked her how much do you love me, to which she said a lot did you bring my XX back to me?  I love you Kala Bella.  Robyn and I only had a week or so together.  I see a lot of myself in Robyn in our thought process, but we are completely different women.  Robyn has an amazing smile and she's like a slightly older sister to me.  Not too much older though.  She wrote this to me while she was in Norway with her beau about me leaving "I miss you bug. Are you ready to leave, mentally. Emotionally? Have you seen everything and done everything? I will tell you the same thing people told me, the island will always be there and it will always have that charm to come back to. It will wait for you if you want :)"  Robyn, I love you.  And then there's Amanda.  I don't know if I've ever met someone as similar to me in my entire life.  I told someone once that maybe love was recognizing yourself in someone else.  I'm not sure if I still believe that train of though but I know that I love Amanda tons.  I love her with my whole heart.  She made me a playlist of songs that I'm listening to as I write this.  The song I'm listening to now is "Better Together" by Jack Johnson.  Amanda, we are better together.  When I told my mom that I was living with a girl who was just like me, whose birthday was the day after mine she said you don't hate her?  Ha ha, mom.  No never.  I get her.  I've never had so many moments in my life in such a short period of time that I've said me too, or have someone say that to me.  I tell her all my boy stories and she tells me hers.  When I told her the last night in West End she said something about how she was expecting the universe to act that way and she wasn't quite surprised on how it all ended.

Kala is super cool

Lets get to the recap of the last few days.  I'll let you in on a little secret, they were really, really good and made me wonder why I am leaving.  Well, mostly because everyone was asking why, why, why.  I had a guy at the restaurant ask why, I said I guess I have to get back to reality sooner or later to which he replied that reality is what you make of it.  I've left already and although I'm not sure when or if I'll be back, but he was right reality is what you make of it.  My reality is already pretty amazing.  Ok, so I think I left off with the amazing girls and seeing the squids.  It was such a tease and reminded me how much I love being underwater.  We decided to go to Sundowners for the sunset and since Jenny is on crutches she swam to the bar.  We met her at the same time from walking.  Tasha and I helped her beautiful exit from the water, a little like the birth of Venus from the water on crutches.  So graceful, honestly.  Of course, one reason to leave the island is when you are hanging out with your girls and all, all of your exes and your girlfriend's exes show up at the same bar.  It was pretty funny.  A cosmic laugh for sure.  I guess they aren't exes just past amantes for me.  I went home with the love in my heart from the beautiful girls and the beautiful day and left my amantes where they were.

The next day Amanda, Dorte and I hiked up Monkey La La trail to Spider Alley.  I'm not really sure if that's what they are really called, because I just made it up.  I like being creative.  There were huge gargangon (I made up that word too) big beautiful trees and tons of freaking Monkey LaLa's.  The little lizards and the name of the famous drink on Roatan.  The hike was about 2 hours round trip and we walked on a river bed almost up to the road to West Bay until we reached Spider Alley.  I ran into a massive spider web and turned around to look at the girls and Amanda said, don't move.  Look at the huge spiders.  We didn't know if they were poison or not so we left.

me and la ceiba tree

Amanda was working the Blue Marlin on Friday and I went home to start the packing process and figure out what I needed and didn't need.  Around 9 or so I headed down for my last Friday night.  I, of course, ran into friends along the way and went hopping around to the bars with Rita.  I love Rita, she's another amazing woman who I've got to know on this island.  She's beautiful inside and out and has the amazing Fou who loves her more than he can handle.  I danced my last dance at the dive with Brion James singing with no shoes on my feet, I bellied up to the bar at the Blue Marlin and I swung on the swings at 50 bar.  Then at closing time Maggie told me that we were going to sit in a Mango Tree.  Maggie I'll sit with you in a Mango Tree any day or night.  Bob and Brett came along too.  At this time I thought what the heck, the Mango Tree is fun and even if Brett is still hung up or afraid or whatever those girly thoughts that I have, whatever I can still have fun.  Oh the Mango Tree... well, Brett does like me.  All I have to say is wow.  I like him too, obviously, sigh.  The timing is off and you can say if if if, but I could have fallen for him.  It's really too bad that I didn't meet him earlier, but that's the way it works sometimes.  I like him, even though I don't know him that well.  I like you Brett.

 

a big white horse and a mango tree?
 

The next day I was a complete and utter mess.  It's a blur.  I know that I worked that night.  My brain was so haywire that I messed up one person's order.  The people at the restaurant were so sweet, I got big hugs and that if I ever come back there is a job waiting for me  So we get to the last full day.  Max's birthday party followed by my farewell dinner.  I have to see the water my last day so in the morning I brought people along with me.  Chase, Amanda, Maggie and Kala and I walk to the iron shore.  It rained before we went and by the time we got there the sun was shining.  Mo called around one, a little frazzled from doing all the organizing without me, I was supposed to help for the birthday extravaganza at their place in Sandy Bay.  I was running around like a crazy person, more like a chicken with her head cutoff.  I had left a few thing for the last moment, leaving stuff at the shop that I needed to pick up.  Things that I was supposed to do, which I think I did most except for get minutes on my phone.  So there I was my last day and I couldn't really call anyone to say goodbye.  I hate good bye's anyway  Maybe it was all subconsciously.  Max had the coolest birthday party ever.  There was a jumpy castle, balloons, a pinata of a pirate ship, horses to ride, a pool and cupcakes and tons of presents.  Max rode on a horse, I rode on a horse.  I almost opened the pinata.  Chase, Kala, Amanda and Mike and I walked down to the dock to watch the final sunset.  Trying to remember the moments, the favorite moments, I decide that there isn't one but a million little moments.  The moments captured by my eyes and ears only, unable to ever recreate and the moments that vanish within a blink of an eye and vanish before I can remember what they were.  Max had a great birthday party and soon crazy Paul was singing the Rolling Stones while cooking the meat for dinner on the barbeque.  I'm pretty sure Paul was part of the burrito brothers.  Dorte told me this story.

"Tyll's Diveshop outside area looked different back then. It's where now is the Sharkcave pizza, Alva, Tyll's wife had a little comedor, where she sold baleadas and burgers. You ordered your food before the dive, and it would barely be ready when you came back 1 1/2 hour later. But it was tasty. You just had to forget about the chickens running in and out of the kitchen, and not be surprised if you one day got a bad stomach.

Tyll and some friends had a band and they called themselves The Burrito Brothers. In the early evenings they would often gather at "Alvas restaurant" to jam. Sometimes travellers with musical talent would join in. Favorites are Groundhog day, Plastic Jesus and Tyll's Padi song, well we should not forget Monika Monika...

I think some of those evenings might have been some of the funniest and memmorable here.
We would come in and hang out and listen to the music and the banter. Order food and hours later Alva would call out, its ready. And by then after x-amounts of Port Royals (the local beer), you had nearly forgotten that you actually came there to eat dinner in the first place. After many jamsessions, monkeystories later, Tyll one day asks us to take over and run the dive shop."

 I heard another story, that I think involved the burrito brothers that Jenny told me about.  Paul, Tyll and some other guy would dress up and play for the cruise shippers pretending that they were part of the Rolling Stones.  Put some sort of fake concert on for them and make them pay too much for the entertainment.  Apparently one guy thought he was Keith Richards and put tampons in his hair.  I'm not really quite sure.  Well, Jenny, Uwe and Dorte.  They are amazing.  Uwe and Dorte, I couldn't have done any of this without you.  I love you so much and hopefully they know that.  Just like I cried when I left Colorado when I said goodbye to Courtney and Todd I started crying when I said goodbye to Uwe and Dorte.  Jenny says I've changed their lives forever, but I think it works both ways.  And Jenny, Jenny if you weren't on your crutches we would have torn that town to shreds.  You are an amazing woman and keep it honest.  Keep telling me when I need to write more personal, kick people out of your house when they are being dickheads and keep at this beautiful thing called life.  You are an amazing soul and like me I think you transform people.

Ok, so after the dinner at Mo and Eddie's I decided I hadn't properly said goodbye to West End.  Amanda, Chase, Kala, Charlie and I headed down to Le Bistro for the last hour of karaoke.  Charlie sung a song, he calls me babyface and wanted to sing that song to me, but I guess they didn't have it.  Then the Karaoke machine broke.  Enter Bisch, girlfriend, Bob and Brett.  The boys are sweet as they come up to say goodbye one more time.  They are planning some dive on Saturday and I chime in that if they want to go skiing this weekend too, I'm not really doing anything.  They laugh.  Karaoke closes, Kala, Chase, Amanda and Charlie have already left.  I walk the direction to the Coconut Tree to catch a cab with Bisch, Bob, and Brett.  I say goodbye again to Bob and Bisch.  Then I kiss Brett, he says we'll stay in touch, I scrunch my nose and say probably not, he says you'll be back, this is Roatan.  He says I'm amazing, he kisses me one last time. 

 the iron shore

I was thinking on ending the blog on that, but really, it's so much more.  I get back to Eddie and Mo's, they are still up with the last guests.  I hang out with them, tell them how much I love them and Max.  In the morning Mo drives me to the Ferry.  I love her so much.  We say goodbye.  Fuck those goodbyes.  I ride the ferry to La Ceiba.  Half crying, listening to the playlist Amanda made me.  In La Ceiba I'm reminded on how awesome I am, how much I love traveling.  I find a taxi, I find the bus station, I ride the bus for a few hours, I find another taxi, I haggle with the driver down about $2, I take the taxi to the hostel, I check in, I walk around for a few hours in the random city, I eat some food, I arrange for the next day travel, I fall asleep way to early.  In the morning I walk again, eat breakfast at a market place, very cool spot, get a taxi to a supermarket, buy the flor de cana for my boys and dad, get another taxi back to the hostel, quickly take another taxi to the airport and then fly off again.  Thinking what am I going to do now, what should I do.  I don't really want to go home.  I listen to the playlist again.  I decide that I need a plan.  I need to take salsa lessons, I need to hike, I need to travel some place new.  I love traveling.  Maybe Argentina, maybe South Africa, I'd love to do Europe for a summer, I'd love to live some place else, an island?  Eddie said he didn't think I was ever coming back to the island.  I'm not sure about that.  Amanda said I was the glue, the one that found us all together.  I arrive in Miami, put on another mix and then take the next plane to Colorado.  My mom is waiting for me at the gate.  Big smile on her face.

I get home, I haven't showered for at least a day.  My mom is always so excited when I get home she always wants to show me this and that and this new thing and what she did with that.  So I get home, starving.  She says I have something to show you downstairs.  I start to whine big time.  Mom, I love you, but I need something to eat, give me a second, I just got here, I'm freaking out a little bit.  Come downstairs she says.  Fine.  I turn on the lights.  My friends are there.  Courtney and her baby belly.  Todd and Lanai.  Crissi, Liz, Britt, and Megan, Vanessa, Anne and Sabrena.  All laughing at me being a dumb ass, being a little whiny.  Being my backbone, being my glue.  Even though they said it tonite that I'm the glue to them, I couldn't do it with out everyone I know.  I keep on giving because I get so much from the people I'm around.  The people that I love.  Sure you have to love yourself first and foremost, and ya you are the only person that lives your life.  But if you don't have amazing people to share it with, if you don't give all of yourself to the people you love, then you won't know the love and that's what keeps me going.  It's the good, the bad, the ugly, the funny, the crazy and the sane.  It's the beauty of it all.  It's the people, it's all my loves in life.  The places and the people.  That's what makes my show this life.

 i'm the tan one in the middle