Hidden

 i carry your heart with me

(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it

(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate

(for you are my fate, my sweet)

i want no world

(for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart

(i carry it in my heart)

by e.e. cummings

I told Brett tonight that my favorite poem was another poem by e.e. cummings called “sand between the toes” but I think “I carry your hear with me” is actually my favorite poem.  “I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart.”  I fall in love with people daily, not love love like I’m in love with you, but there are these bits and pieces of people that I see this beauty the thing that I love about them.  It’s the gleam of light when they are telling you a story, the wrinkles in their foreheads, the twinge in their smiles, the twinkle in their eyes.  I fall in love with their stories, I fall in love with their laughs and their smiles, I fall in love with their anguish, their pain, their insecurity.  I fall in love daily.  I was walking down today to the shop to hang out with Dorte and Uwe and was thinking, it’s not one guy that I’ve fallen for here, it’s all of them, it’s the girls and the guys and most importantly the people that this island draws them into itself.

It’s why maybe I’ve faired pretty well here, it’s why I have nothing but good things to say about people I’ve met along the way, I love them all in their own unique way.  I was talking to my favorite Jenny Blenny today and she said my story was missing something.  It’s missing the details, the vulnerability, the me, the me that is missing.  The part I keep hidden, from boys, from girls.  I give a lot, but to express who the person is and why I love them and why it is “the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life” that makes it beautiful, makes me fall in love and makes me sad to leave and crushed when boys do not work out but still able to get over it and on with it.

Well, lets start with the most recent and least of all known Brett.  He’s my tin man in my dream right?  The tin man needs to go to Oz to get himself a heart, but he does all these things along the way that shows he has a heart, a very big heart.  And if memory serves me correctly the tin man was a tin man because he lost his family, or his wife or something like that and they turned him into a tin man and said that he didn’t have a heart.  Brett has a heart, he has a big heart.  It’s not with me and never will be, but I fell in love with that bit of him.  He’s the nice guy.  Descriptions, Jenny said tell more descriptions so here I go.  This is how I see it all. 

The first time I met Brett, or at least the first time I remember him was we (Chase, Kala and me) were up at the double docks watching the sunset.  Fish, Brett and a few other coco-nuts (that’s what we call the kids who work at Coconut Tree) come up to hang out with us and watch the beautiful sunset.  I thought Brett was cute.  This was before Fish and DMT2 and I tried to talk to him, but he didn’t say two words.  Apparently he had a girlfriend who was coming back soon.  I’ve heard mixed reviews about her, ok wait no I haven’t.  I don’t mean to be mean, but I’ve only heard bad things about her.  Well, regardless about her, he was a good boyfriend for not saying anything to me that could be misconstrued as flirting or whatever.  It’s only after they broke up did he really talk to me.  And the night that he and I had our “fling”, flirt or kiss whatever she was sitting there watching us.  I only realized it afterwards and tonite told him.  But perhaps he is still bewitched by her or maybe she has decided to be true to herself and realize what a great guy she actually has and they can be happy.  Well, lets not speculate and get down to the nitty gritty.  The bud of the bud, the root of the root about Mr. Brett.  He wears caps, like the old man type of caps.  The kind of caps my grandfather used to wear.  He’s got curly brown hair, with the tips a little dyed from the sun.  He loves diving and when asked what his super power would be he said it would be to be underwater breathing for as long as he wanted to be.  Kala, Amanda and I said that teleportation would be ours and we had never heard his response before.  Brett is an artist.  He went to some school back in the East and does at least photography, maybe more stuff but I haven’t properly hung out with him and haven’t gotten to know him.  Max and I read or looked at the pictures from his book that he made.   Brett is the kind of guy who doesn’t say much and thinks things maybe a bit too much, but he’s going to find that girl someday who rocks his world and compliments him and is as sweet as he is and just wants to be underwater and not shaking the ground that he walks on.  I don’t know that much about him, but this is what I know, this is what I think, I think he’s a great guy who deserves so much more than he’s chasing after.  That will be the meanest thing that I write in this blog.  I apologize to her for being rude, but he’s amazing and deserves someone as amazing as he is.  Forever Brett will be my tin man.

The lion, the cowardly lion.  DMT2 or as he goes by in real life, Michael.  Yes, I’m being vulnerable.  I’m showing my side, I’m facing fears and telling you who these people are.  Michael looks a bit like a lion.  He’s got curly brown blonde hair, blonde from the sun and diving.  He’s very trim, he’s got a nice body.  He’s pretty hairy and truth be told sometimes he doesn’t wear deodorant, which strangely enough is sometimes a turn on and sometimes a major turn off.  He’s my cowardly lion and I love lions.  I love boys who are like lions, they are proud and a bit arrogant but underneath it all they just want to purr and to be loved and adored.  Most lions are loyal.  Michael was not so loyal.  No wait, we were never in a serious relationship, but the closest thing to that I’ve been here on the island.  He told me three times that he really, really liked me but that he wasn’t in love with me and didn’t want to hurt me.  Have I ever told you how much I hate it when people, especially guys say I’m sorry?  Ok, yes sorry can be bit of a oops sorry I bumped into you or sorry I got your order wrong or really I messed it all up.  But when a guy says he’s sorry all I want to do is whack them in the face.  Really fing hard.  Don’t ever say your sorry because it means that you don’t like what you did.  I’m not sorry because I try my hardest not to do things that I don’t like, I try so hard not to regret and so far, I haven’t regretted a single thing.  The sorry for me seems a bit of a cop out.  It’s a dominance thing.  It’s trying to think that you’ve hurt the other person.  Ok, if a person says that you’ve hurt them, let me  clarify, you should say I am really fing sorry.  But to say sorry out of the blue or if no baby I don’t want to go home with you tonite, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry baby, I really like you, but I don’t like you enough.  Ugh, really maybe I don’t like you enough.  But I do love you to know if I want something I’ll do it and if I am hurting myself or think I’m hurting you I won’t do it.  Wow, I’m getting kind of agro, but it’s the truth.  So the cowardly lion, I would have dated him for the remainder period of the time we had here but he never stepped up and said it.  He’s such a lion and a bit cowardly.  He would cuddle me at night, he would walk around like a lion prouncing and shake his curls at times.  He had groomed his facial hair to look a little bit more distinguished, which I admit made him look very sexy to me.  If he had the courage to tell me what he was feeling or to know what he was feeling versus some sort of game it might have been different.  But the cards are already dealt.  There were times where I think I could have liked him more than just the initial attraction, the loving him for talking about sailing and his adventures around the world and loving him for more than just his lion-like qualities.  The end for me was a two fold, the finally telling me for the third time that he just wasn’t that into me but that he thought I was the coolest girl on the island and the second one was the night at the Jenny Blenny cabin.  He was sitting in her hammock, swinging with his curly locks and his smirking grin, smoking a cigar being crude and rude to Jenny.  He’s been quite sweet since then, but at the end of the day I can’t go back to what has already been.  I will always love him and hope that someday, when he meets a girl as cool as he thinks I am that he will have the courage to say to her, I like you.

Fish, Bisch is his name, Bisch not Fish.  Oh Bisch, you are forever my scarecrow.  I told him tonite as I was telling both him and Brett my dream, yes I’m that freaking honest and yes it is that small of a town, where you are hanging out with the two guys that you have slept with and they are already friends and probably have had one or two things to say about you, well I opened it up and made no secrets because I’m not sorry about any of it.  Anyway, as I was telling Bisch that he was my scarecrow he said “I’m not a scarecrow, if I only had a brain” and knocked my drink on the ground while doing a bit of a jig, it’s perfect.  My show should be a life.  Bisch is a dreamer.  He’s so spiritual and finds happiness and beauty in everything.  He’s got straw like hair and I’ve always connected with him the most out of all the guys.  Not that we’ve been on the same level, but we’ve always been honest with one another.  Of course, he like the other two has said sorry, to which after this point dear reader you can see me freaking out, but when he said it it was the first time.  Bisch had a girl coming here.  A girl he liked.  She had come here for a week vacation and had fallen in love with the place and perhaps Bisch too, she sold everything and moved her life here.  I have met her once and just barely, but she dances just like him.  Happy and a bit spastic but happy none the less.  Bisch is happy now, he told me, he’s in love and he has a great life here now.  We both agreed that we had a good go when it went, but in the long run, his head was somewhere else with some other girl.  He had told me in the beginning and through out I knew and still know, perhaps that is why he has hurt me the least.  To tell the truth, I’ve been frustrated with them all, but they haven’t hurt me to the core.  Sure my ego has been bruised but I’ve never really been “rejected” in my life, so I’ve been trying to be more honest and more vulnerable, although my heart has still been at home during this time and I’m not sure if I can be as vulnerable there as I’ve been here.  So Bisch, he’s a bit of a straw man, with straw like hair, he walks a bit funny and dances a bit funny, but not in a way that you would make fun of.  It’s more the adoring the bits and bobs of his uniqueness.   Bisch, was Fish because he loves the underwater it’s his zen time.  He talks about it like it’s the most amazing feeling and spiritual connection in the world.  Which for the most part it is.  He’s my fish, he’s my scarecrow.  Even though he told me he didn’t want to hurt me and told me everything about this amazing girl who was coming to stay and we were honest, his head was never in the game.  Mine wasn’t either, but even though we never lied to each other or manipulated one another our minds never truly connected.  He was always thinking about the other girl coming.  He’s got it and I think he’s got the brains to sustain it, god knows he has the heart and the courage.

Well, this Dorothy is tired, so tired.  She leaves soon and she is going for another hike tomorrow with Dorte.  I don’t know how I’m going to fill in all this time for the people that I love so much.  But the boys, I’ve seen them all tonight.  It’s that kind of town, I love them all and if I don’t see them again before I leave, I think they all know that I do love them each in their own way.  I’ll miss my scarecrow, my cowardly lion and my tin man and love them in their own way.  I’ll carry them in my heart, forever.