Complete fucking fiascos in paradise
The story starts with the crash. I was over at Uwe and Dorte’s new place checking it out (they moved from their old place because the landlord started going crazy and said that they had to stop kicking down the tiles in the bathroom), we were out on their deck drinking rum and waters and we heard a crash. Uwe says, “that’s fucking brilliant”; he kneels down to get a better view and then says “its fucking Chase.” Chase and Kala got into an accident with the road, apparently as Chase says, they were on their way to the Half Moon to get some afternoon rays and there were shadows, he slowed down and hit a pothole- they crashed. We yell at them to come up, while noting that they seem alright because they are standing up, but instead they ride off home in embarrassment. So Kala and Chase were out of the water for a few days, just some road rash no broken bones, they were very lucky in more than one way.
The next day or maybe the day after (it’s hard to keep track of days while you are in paradise) Nick, who owns the Dive with Olaf, sends us two Americans and one of their “girlfriends” to do an open water certification. “Girlfriend” because although the one guy, we’ll call him Jim, calls his girlfriend “amor”, he has limited Spanish vocabulary and she, the chica, only speaks Spanish no English. Oh love. Well Jim and Jeff (his friend) tell us that they are quick learners because they have had a lot of military training and can speed through the course, no problem. They are here with their other friend from the states and two other “girlfriends”. By the way the girlfriends are in their early twenties, all from la Ceiba and don’t speak-a-da-english. The guys are in their forties to fifties and overweight.
Well they finish the paperwork, watch the video for chapter one in open water (the girl watches the video in Spanish of course) and we gear up to do confined water 1. Also to note, Jeff has limited use of one of his limbs, which we discuss with him how he can manage with his handicap. People dive all the time that have handicaps; deaf people, mute people, people with one appendage or whatever. Well, PADI should also put on their medical form something about being dumb being as a handicap on the Medical Release form. So Mo instructs them as I assist and translate in my “Spanish” to la chica. Cough, cough, whore. Jeff is asking questions over and over, normal of course for learning a new thing but he seems to have the memory of a goldfish. Jim is ragging on Jeff and Jeff responds by ragging on Jim. We descend for the skills. For you non-divers there are signals for underwater. We went over the signals a few times before we descended but being submerged in water seems to make dumb and dumber forget quickly. Mo does the signal for you watch me as she had told them on the surface, as she is doing the first skill Jim decides that he should do it at the same time. Mo tells him to stop underwater. She shows them again, YOU WATCH ME.
me
Jim tries to do it again at the same time that she’s doing it. Finally, about the third try of the first skill Jim lets Mo show them what they are supposed to do. Then Mo asks Jim, now you try. Jim starts the skill, but forgot an important step, which again is normal for beginners. She signals to him do it over. He takes her signal to mean: now you do a somersault. Jim completes a perfect somersault underwater with so much precision; he doesn’t touch the surface nor the bottom while completing this gymnastic feat. Mo looks at me with her wide eyes and we both try not to laugh too much or drown from laughing. Finally Mo gets Jim to understand that he must do it again, he completes the skill. Next is Jeff’s turn. He looks at us like what the fuck am I supposed to do now? Mo points to the girl for me to complete the skill with her while she shows Jeff the skill again. The chica performs the skill very well for a beginner. We do more skills, always the same scenario. Jim tries to do the skill with Mo instead of watching first, Jeff has no idea what he is supposed to do and the chica does the skill well.
the signal for do it over again, not do a somersault
They are all on a bit of a tight schedule, but assure us because of their previous training they will study and catch on quickly. As we leave the confined water the boys are taking a piss out of each other and the chica is complaining that she’s cold, she has to piss and everything is so heavy. Dorte is running around West End trying to get the chica a Spanish book and buying the guys the book as well. We decide to do Open Water Dive 1. Nick decides to do the dive with us, since he hasn’t dove since August and has been itching since he’s been back. We brief dumb, dumber and the chica as Nick gets in the water. Nick has had 100 dives and is very comfortable with it all. Kala is watching us from the Blue Marlin and tells me later that we were at the surface for a half hour before we began the dive. Ugh. The real adventure begins below. I take the Chica down, she quickly acclimates and is doing pretty well. Jeff and Jim are a different story. Up, down, up down. Mo takes Jim and I take Jeff. Jeff swims, no doesn’t swim and stands up straight kicking his fins and waving his hands. For 30 minutes I try and push him down while we are swimming, show him over and over how to swim. Try pushing a 280 lb man with limited use of one of his limbs down for 30 minutes on limited air. Freaking exhausting! At one point Jim and the chica pop up to the surface as I’m trying to pull them both down. I look at Mo who is 20 feet below me with exasperation and signal cancel the dive! We get up to the surface, I see the boat about 200 meters away and there is a strong current. I tell them that we should go back down, not as deep though. Back below Jim keeps popping up at the surface as I try and pull him down. I had put more weight on him before but he really likes the surface. We finish the dive and the guys are amazed. They love diving. It was so much fucking fun they say. FML.
We get back to the shop, they are talking smack to one another. The chica really liked the diving. We get them all books, the chica’s in Spanish of course and tell them to read Chapters 1, 2, & 3 for the next day. The next day we will do the bookwork, some quizzes and then do more confined water in the morning and then another dive in the afternoon. They are on a tight schedule remember? The guys say of course, no problem, blah blah blah. Well the next day do you think they came prepared? Hell fucking no. Sorry, don’t mean to cuss so much, but I’ve been a little stressed lately. Well the next day they come in. No they didn’t read. They can read at the shop right? No worries, they can get it, easy peasy. The chica didn’t read either. All morning long the boys sit in the classroom reading chapters one and two and do the reviews. The chica? She has more important things to do, she talks on her phone, talks to her friend who comes over while pretending to read. Lunchtime comes and she’s read Chapter 1. The guys have finished 2. She hasn’t even done the review. I review with her in Spanish, luckily we find an instructor who is a local and speaks Spanish to help. I can check her work, but if she doesn’t get something I don’t know if I can explain it all. By end of the second day, the chica has finished Chapter one, she has done the review and test for one and has finished reading Chapter 2 and watched the video for 2. The guys have faired better. They finished 1, 2, and 3; chapters, reviews, videos and test. Chica has to study that nite to catch up so they can complete the course. They might not finish the course because now they have only 2 days left and are flying on the 3rd day that means no diving 12 hours before that. All day long the guys are shooting the shit and giving each other shit. Jim comes up to Dorte and me and says, “I really want to finish the course. Anyway we can push me through? Jeff is really slow, he’s my friend but kinda stupid.” Dorte and I come up with a plan, Kala’s wounds from the accident are better so she might be able to dive the next day. We figure stuff out and then Jeff walks up to me and Dorte and says I want to do what Jim is doing. “I want to be just like him.” Children, no children are better behaved then them. So he’s complaining and Dorte and I just tell him that he needs to figure it out with Jim. Then Jeff tells us when they are actually flying out and there is no way Jim can finish like we had planned.
Oh, also that day we had another group of divers. A very nice couple, their guy friend and his “girlfriend”. The “girlfriend” doesn’t speak English and he barely speaks Spanish. She luckily had just finished her open water certification in Utila. They are all very nice, but what are the chances of so many working girls at our shop at one time. Same situation, older American dudes who barely speak Spanish, the girl no English and learning to dive… are they doing a special in la Ceiba? It was like hooker week this week at Tyll’s Dive shop. The two female divers and the one girl’s friends pop in whenever they like. A brothel, not a dive shop is what it seemed like. Hookers have been infiltrating West End. Later on that nite we went to play darts at Sundowners and another hooker walks up and tries to solicit her services while Kala and I are hanging out with 3 of our guy friends. Hookers everywhere.
Well the next day, they must have studied right? Yes, the chica studied. Jeff is ready, but Jim does not show up. Mo says that her husband told her that the night before Jim was at the Blue Marlin acting strange and drinking all nite long. I’m pretty sure he was drinking and doing pills because he had said something about pills the day before. Eddie said that he was really, really weird all night. Pills and drinking are a big no-no, but so are hookers in foreign countries especially one with such a high HIV rate or hookers in general, well, whatever. Jeff says he tried to wake up Jim, the chica tells me she tried too, but he’s not coming. No diving today for him. Most of the morning we finish chapter 2 and 3 and the reviews and test with the chica and then in the afternoon are ready for confined dives 2 and 3. The confined with Jeff again were like the first one… “what the hell am I supposed to do?” The chica did well again, but at the end said again “I have to pee, I’m cold, this is too heavy.”
That day at the shop again we had the other group with the other chica. But a bit of a fiasco in the morning happened. Our boat captain the night before had gotten a big tip and spent most of the night pissing the night away. He came in a bit borracho, yelled at Dorte and then quit, came back asked for more money to pay a bill and then came back again and said no I don’t want to quit. We got Rino to captain the boat that day. All is good the next day, the captain came back in a good mood and ready to work. He’s the best captain on the island.
Well of course, Dumb and Dumber and the chica couldn’t finish the course. It was a bit of a nightmare, the worst open water course that Mo and I have done. Kala was pretty lucky getting in that crash so she didn’t have to teach the course. We’ve been talking to other shops and all together we have the best story so far, but I’m sure there are worse. Complete fucking fiasco. Oh and the best part, the biggest fiasco is when it came time for them to pay. Jeff was able to pay because I’m not sure he used the services of the chicas, but Jim had bills to pay all around town. He had his hotel bill, a bill at a couple restaurants, the bill for the chicas (Dorte said “I don’t think they take credit cards”) and us as well; not for just one open water course, but for two. He didn’t have enough cash and perhaps didn’t have enough in his bank account that day. Since we, and most places in west end don’t take credit cards he had to charge it to one of the restaurants and then they will pay us back. Sketchy, very sketchy. It still makes us laugh though, plenty of jokes about doing specials with professional girls, underwater breathing activities etc. They (Jeff and Jim) said they will come back (not so sure about the chica it might be a new one and more Spanish for me to speak). Hopefully they won’t read this or sue me for defamation but I did change their names, they are the ones who bought the hookers, had a problem with the bill and boasted that they were so good. Plus this is Honduras. Please don’t sue me! J
Oh and updates on the cute boy, remember I talked about him in the last blog? Well yesterday I went over to his shop to “get info about his shop for my emergency assistance plan”. We talked for about a half hour. I got the feeling that he might have a girlfriend, but then this morning he was at our shop to “borrow” something from Uwe. We’ll see, as I always say, plus my mom comes soon for a visit! I’m so excited to hang out with her for a full week! I’m trying to finish the DMT before then, finished all my tests just have to do my skills, rescue assessment and the stress test. Oh joy. More fiascos to come!
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