Nothing good about Good-byes

goodbye roatan

I hate goodbyes.  There's absolutely nothing good about saying bye, especially to people that you don't know if you'll see again.  I'm currently (as i wrote it before, now i made it back to Colorado), I am currently sitting in a bus station in La Ceiba writing in a book that my friend Britt gave me before I even left and haven't used it since then, but my freaking computer is broke.  Ok, so freaking good bye to Roatan.  This may be the ending or it could be the beginning.  I guess it doesn't matter either way.

So we left off with my analyzing the boys and my dream about them.  Again, I'm not sure if it's the end or the beginning... could maybe be in the middle?  But I'll try and sum it for right now.  So Thursday night, no Thursday day was  a great day.  I hung out with Jenny Blenny, Tasha and Amanda at Half Moon Bay Resort.  I, of course, had to show Amanda before we loundged my new favorite place- the iron shore.  We went to lounge in the chairs and Jenny came along and need some cheering up so I told her all about my boy drama, which really isn't that much but you know girls we like to freak out a bit more than is necessary.  Jenny is still on crutches but she went snorkeling.  And yes, I went snorkeling too.  The funny kind of snorkeling with half of your head out of the water.  But i saw 2 squids, a lobster, and lots of different fish.  It had been so long since I had seen what was beneath.  Hanging out with the girls, seeing the squid and underwater life again mad me melancholic.  I love diving.  I love being underwater.  I love watching the squid change color, the lobster starring you down wondering if you are predator or prey.  I love my girls.  I love all my friends that i have met here.  Remember I fall in love with everyone.  Well so here it goes my bye, bye to them all, to the island, because I'm not sure when I'll be back and there is nothing good about not seeing them almost on a daily basis even though most of the time we are wondering what should we do?  Boo, I'm bored.  Oh wait that might just be Chase.

Let's start with Chasey Poo.  I'll get to a summary of the last 3 days, there's a couple of good juicy parts in there.  Chase and I have grown up together.  We've been on this adventure almost for the exact same amount of time.  We are ten years apart, but you'd probably guess me a bit younger and him older.  He's tall, muy guapo with mostly shaggy brown curly hair.  He's got these two dimples that just make him dreamy.  He's sweet to Max and all dogs.  I don't know if he has a mean bone in his body.  I've seen him grow from Noelle's son to "Chase" on the island.  Meaning that he's no longer defined by his mother here and in fact she might now be Chase's mom.  There is a part of life when you are growing up where you no longer are defined by who your parents are, but who you are.  And Chase is growing up.  Chase told me he'd stay in touch only if I write to him and actively keep in touch.  It's hard when saying good-bye because really you don't know if you are going to stay in touch.  Most people here I won't see again.  Chase, well, I hope to see him again.  I can't wait to see what kind of guy he grow up to be.  I'm sure he'll be an amazing man.

I know I'll see Maxi again.  Max has made my life here so great, more fulfilling then without him I'm for sure.  He has an effect on everyone who sees him.  Whether he's in a good mood or bad, people are always drawn to him.  He's 3 remember- he has bad moments quite often, people always come up to him and try to talk with him.  He's got the cutest little pouty face, when he cries his long eyelashes are wet for a while after he stops crying.  When he giggles the world laughs with him, and when he says yes it sounds more like yef, but it's the cutest thing in the world.  He says "oh ya", "Eh", "Nay", "No", and "where is ___ at now?" all the time.  His vocabulary has grown so much from when they got back to the island back in November.  I love hanging out with Max, even if it's during the day sitting on the steps, not saying anything and just watching the people pass on the street.  It's a toss up between who is my best friend on the island... Max or Mo.  Ok really I have so many, because they are all amazing.  But Max and Mo, I could hang out with them forever.  Mo and I would walk Max to Sundowners to watch the sunset.  We'd run errands, take me to the doctors or do something super fun like the day we went to Wendy's in French Harbor and climbed the jungle gym and then went to play bumper cars and had more fun then Max.  Mo is an amazing mom to Max and an amazing woman.  She's the most stylish woman on the island.  It's not just about the clothes that she wears, it's how she wears the clothes and how she wears herself.  She's an amazing woman.  She's sophisticated yet laid back, and not at all pretentious, she sees the big picture but knows that sometimes it's important to look at the smaller things.  She's absolutely hilarious and I think that is a huge feat in a different language.  The day I told her that I found her absolutely hilarious she said you should hear me in Dutch.  Darling, I'd love to learn Dutch just to hear how freaking hilarious you are.  My little Dutch family.  I love Eddie too, just don't tell him how much.  I respect Eddie so much especially after working for him.  He can be a bit of a prick behind the bar, but as he out right admits, it's all part of an act.  He's sweet as apple pie, well maybe not completely.  Lets put it this way, he's sweet as apple pie to those he loves.  I trust him completely and know that if anything bad were to happen I could count on him no matter what.  It's funny how we make families that are similar in different places.  Eddie and Mo are are so my Courtney and Todd in Colorado.  Remember Todd is one of the main reasons why I moved here, oh crap now it's there, it changes so quickly.

me and amanda as pirates
 

Oh there are so many people who I will miss here, there where ever I am.  The people who help me on my adventures.  The people, the color of my adventure.  Well there are 3 wise women who I will miss a bunch and will bunch them together because just like Eddie, Mo, Max and Chase they are a part of my extended family.  Oh my god, my life is such a show, I need to keep going.  Ok, my girls Kala, Robyn and Amanda.  All dive instructors.  These girls are independent strong women.   Not afraid of themselves, not afraid to love, know who they are, constantly learning that maybe they are just getting to know themselves.  Learning to love themselves one step at a time.  I see them in each other, I see them in myself, I see the unique qualities.  I fall in love with my girls all over, every time I hang out with them.  Kala is strong, she's laid back, she's a party queen, she's self conscious, she's respectful and constantly loses things.  How many times has there been the morning after where I bring something that Kala has left behind.  I always asked her how much do you love me, to which she said a lot did you bring my XX back to me?  I love you Kala Bella.  Robyn and I only had a week or so together.  I see a lot of myself in Robyn in our thought process, but we are completely different women.  Robyn has an amazing smile and she's like a slightly older sister to me.  Not too much older though.  She wrote this to me while she was in Norway with her beau about me leaving "I miss you bug. Are you ready to leave, mentally. Emotionally? Have you seen everything and done everything? I will tell you the same thing people told me, the island will always be there and it will always have that charm to come back to. It will wait for you if you want :)"  Robyn, I love you.  And then there's Amanda.  I don't know if I've ever met someone as similar to me in my entire life.  I told someone once that maybe love was recognizing yourself in someone else.  I'm not sure if I still believe that train of though but I know that I love Amanda tons.  I love her with my whole heart.  She made me a playlist of songs that I'm listening to as I write this.  The song I'm listening to now is "Better Together" by Jack Johnson.  Amanda, we are better together.  When I told my mom that I was living with a girl who was just like me, whose birthday was the day after mine she said you don't hate her?  Ha ha, mom.  No never.  I get her.  I've never had so many moments in my life in such a short period of time that I've said me too, or have someone say that to me.  I tell her all my boy stories and she tells me hers.  When I told her the last night in West End she said something about how she was expecting the universe to act that way and she wasn't quite surprised on how it all ended.

Kala is super cool

Lets get to the recap of the last few days.  I'll let you in on a little secret, they were really, really good and made me wonder why I am leaving.  Well, mostly because everyone was asking why, why, why.  I had a guy at the restaurant ask why, I said I guess I have to get back to reality sooner or later to which he replied that reality is what you make of it.  I've left already and although I'm not sure when or if I'll be back, but he was right reality is what you make of it.  My reality is already pretty amazing.  Ok, so I think I left off with the amazing girls and seeing the squids.  It was such a tease and reminded me how much I love being underwater.  We decided to go to Sundowners for the sunset and since Jenny is on crutches she swam to the bar.  We met her at the same time from walking.  Tasha and I helped her beautiful exit from the water, a little like the birth of Venus from the water on crutches.  So graceful, honestly.  Of course, one reason to leave the island is when you are hanging out with your girls and all, all of your exes and your girlfriend's exes show up at the same bar.  It was pretty funny.  A cosmic laugh for sure.  I guess they aren't exes just past amantes for me.  I went home with the love in my heart from the beautiful girls and the beautiful day and left my amantes where they were.

The next day Amanda, Dorte and I hiked up Monkey La La trail to Spider Alley.  I'm not really sure if that's what they are really called, because I just made it up.  I like being creative.  There were huge gargangon (I made up that word too) big beautiful trees and tons of freaking Monkey LaLa's.  The little lizards and the name of the famous drink on Roatan.  The hike was about 2 hours round trip and we walked on a river bed almost up to the road to West Bay until we reached Spider Alley.  I ran into a massive spider web and turned around to look at the girls and Amanda said, don't move.  Look at the huge spiders.  We didn't know if they were poison or not so we left.

me and la ceiba tree

Amanda was working the Blue Marlin on Friday and I went home to start the packing process and figure out what I needed and didn't need.  Around 9 or so I headed down for my last Friday night.  I, of course, ran into friends along the way and went hopping around to the bars with Rita.  I love Rita, she's another amazing woman who I've got to know on this island.  She's beautiful inside and out and has the amazing Fou who loves her more than he can handle.  I danced my last dance at the dive with Brion James singing with no shoes on my feet, I bellied up to the bar at the Blue Marlin and I swung on the swings at 50 bar.  Then at closing time Maggie told me that we were going to sit in a Mango Tree.  Maggie I'll sit with you in a Mango Tree any day or night.  Bob and Brett came along too.  At this time I thought what the heck, the Mango Tree is fun and even if Brett is still hung up or afraid or whatever those girly thoughts that I have, whatever I can still have fun.  Oh the Mango Tree... well, Brett does like me.  All I have to say is wow.  I like him too, obviously, sigh.  The timing is off and you can say if if if, but I could have fallen for him.  It's really too bad that I didn't meet him earlier, but that's the way it works sometimes.  I like him, even though I don't know him that well.  I like you Brett.

 

a big white horse and a mango tree?
 

The next day I was a complete and utter mess.  It's a blur.  I know that I worked that night.  My brain was so haywire that I messed up one person's order.  The people at the restaurant were so sweet, I got big hugs and that if I ever come back there is a job waiting for me  So we get to the last full day.  Max's birthday party followed by my farewell dinner.  I have to see the water my last day so in the morning I brought people along with me.  Chase, Amanda, Maggie and Kala and I walk to the iron shore.  It rained before we went and by the time we got there the sun was shining.  Mo called around one, a little frazzled from doing all the organizing without me, I was supposed to help for the birthday extravaganza at their place in Sandy Bay.  I was running around like a crazy person, more like a chicken with her head cutoff.  I had left a few thing for the last moment, leaving stuff at the shop that I needed to pick up.  Things that I was supposed to do, which I think I did most except for get minutes on my phone.  So there I was my last day and I couldn't really call anyone to say goodbye.  I hate good bye's anyway  Maybe it was all subconsciously.  Max had the coolest birthday party ever.  There was a jumpy castle, balloons, a pinata of a pirate ship, horses to ride, a pool and cupcakes and tons of presents.  Max rode on a horse, I rode on a horse.  I almost opened the pinata.  Chase, Kala, Amanda and Mike and I walked down to the dock to watch the final sunset.  Trying to remember the moments, the favorite moments, I decide that there isn't one but a million little moments.  The moments captured by my eyes and ears only, unable to ever recreate and the moments that vanish within a blink of an eye and vanish before I can remember what they were.  Max had a great birthday party and soon crazy Paul was singing the Rolling Stones while cooking the meat for dinner on the barbeque.  I'm pretty sure Paul was part of the burrito brothers.  Dorte told me this story.

"Tyll's Diveshop outside area looked different back then. It's where now is the Sharkcave pizza, Alva, Tyll's wife had a little comedor, where she sold baleadas and burgers. You ordered your food before the dive, and it would barely be ready when you came back 1 1/2 hour later. But it was tasty. You just had to forget about the chickens running in and out of the kitchen, and not be surprised if you one day got a bad stomach.

Tyll and some friends had a band and they called themselves The Burrito Brothers. In the early evenings they would often gather at "Alvas restaurant" to jam. Sometimes travellers with musical talent would join in. Favorites are Groundhog day, Plastic Jesus and Tyll's Padi song, well we should not forget Monika Monika...

I think some of those evenings might have been some of the funniest and memmorable here.
We would come in and hang out and listen to the music and the banter. Order food and hours later Alva would call out, its ready. And by then after x-amounts of Port Royals (the local beer), you had nearly forgotten that you actually came there to eat dinner in the first place. After many jamsessions, monkeystories later, Tyll one day asks us to take over and run the dive shop."

 I heard another story, that I think involved the burrito brothers that Jenny told me about.  Paul, Tyll and some other guy would dress up and play for the cruise shippers pretending that they were part of the Rolling Stones.  Put some sort of fake concert on for them and make them pay too much for the entertainment.  Apparently one guy thought he was Keith Richards and put tampons in his hair.  I'm not really quite sure.  Well, Jenny, Uwe and Dorte.  They are amazing.  Uwe and Dorte, I couldn't have done any of this without you.  I love you so much and hopefully they know that.  Just like I cried when I left Colorado when I said goodbye to Courtney and Todd I started crying when I said goodbye to Uwe and Dorte.  Jenny says I've changed their lives forever, but I think it works both ways.  And Jenny, Jenny if you weren't on your crutches we would have torn that town to shreds.  You are an amazing woman and keep it honest.  Keep telling me when I need to write more personal, kick people out of your house when they are being dickheads and keep at this beautiful thing called life.  You are an amazing soul and like me I think you transform people.

Ok, so after the dinner at Mo and Eddie's I decided I hadn't properly said goodbye to West End.  Amanda, Chase, Kala, Charlie and I headed down to Le Bistro for the last hour of karaoke.  Charlie sung a song, he calls me babyface and wanted to sing that song to me, but I guess they didn't have it.  Then the Karaoke machine broke.  Enter Bisch, girlfriend, Bob and Brett.  The boys are sweet as they come up to say goodbye one more time.  They are planning some dive on Saturday and I chime in that if they want to go skiing this weekend too, I'm not really doing anything.  They laugh.  Karaoke closes, Kala, Chase, Amanda and Charlie have already left.  I walk the direction to the Coconut Tree to catch a cab with Bisch, Bob, and Brett.  I say goodbye again to Bob and Bisch.  Then I kiss Brett, he says we'll stay in touch, I scrunch my nose and say probably not, he says you'll be back, this is Roatan.  He says I'm amazing, he kisses me one last time. 

 the iron shore

I was thinking on ending the blog on that, but really, it's so much more.  I get back to Eddie and Mo's, they are still up with the last guests.  I hang out with them, tell them how much I love them and Max.  In the morning Mo drives me to the Ferry.  I love her so much.  We say goodbye.  Fuck those goodbyes.  I ride the ferry to La Ceiba.  Half crying, listening to the playlist Amanda made me.  In La Ceiba I'm reminded on how awesome I am, how much I love traveling.  I find a taxi, I find the bus station, I ride the bus for a few hours, I find another taxi, I haggle with the driver down about $2, I take the taxi to the hostel, I check in, I walk around for a few hours in the random city, I eat some food, I arrange for the next day travel, I fall asleep way to early.  In the morning I walk again, eat breakfast at a market place, very cool spot, get a taxi to a supermarket, buy the flor de cana for my boys and dad, get another taxi back to the hostel, quickly take another taxi to the airport and then fly off again.  Thinking what am I going to do now, what should I do.  I don't really want to go home.  I listen to the playlist again.  I decide that I need a plan.  I need to take salsa lessons, I need to hike, I need to travel some place new.  I love traveling.  Maybe Argentina, maybe South Africa, I'd love to do Europe for a summer, I'd love to live some place else, an island?  Eddie said he didn't think I was ever coming back to the island.  I'm not sure about that.  Amanda said I was the glue, the one that found us all together.  I arrive in Miami, put on another mix and then take the next plane to Colorado.  My mom is waiting for me at the gate.  Big smile on her face.

I get home, I haven't showered for at least a day.  My mom is always so excited when I get home she always wants to show me this and that and this new thing and what she did with that.  So I get home, starving.  She says I have something to show you downstairs.  I start to whine big time.  Mom, I love you, but I need something to eat, give me a second, I just got here, I'm freaking out a little bit.  Come downstairs she says.  Fine.  I turn on the lights.  My friends are there.  Courtney and her baby belly.  Todd and Lanai.  Crissi, Liz, Britt, and Megan, Vanessa, Anne and Sabrena.  All laughing at me being a dumb ass, being a little whiny.  Being my backbone, being my glue.  Even though they said it tonite that I'm the glue to them, I couldn't do it with out everyone I know.  I keep on giving because I get so much from the people I'm around.  The people that I love.  Sure you have to love yourself first and foremost, and ya you are the only person that lives your life.  But if you don't have amazing people to share it with, if you don't give all of yourself to the people you love, then you won't know the love and that's what keeps me going.  It's the good, the bad, the ugly, the funny, the crazy and the sane.  It's the beauty of it all.  It's the people, it's all my loves in life.  The places and the people.  That's what makes my show this life.

 i'm the tan one in the middle

Hidden

 i carry your heart with me

(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it

(anywhere i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)

i fear no fate

(for you are my fate, my sweet)

i want no world

(for beautiful you are my world, my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart

(i carry it in my heart)

by e.e. cummings

I told Brett tonight that my favorite poem was another poem by e.e. cummings called “sand between the toes” but I think “I carry your hear with me” is actually my favorite poem.  “I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart.”  I fall in love with people daily, not love love like I’m in love with you, but there are these bits and pieces of people that I see this beauty the thing that I love about them.  It’s the gleam of light when they are telling you a story, the wrinkles in their foreheads, the twinge in their smiles, the twinkle in their eyes.  I fall in love with their stories, I fall in love with their laughs and their smiles, I fall in love with their anguish, their pain, their insecurity.  I fall in love daily.  I was walking down today to the shop to hang out with Dorte and Uwe and was thinking, it’s not one guy that I’ve fallen for here, it’s all of them, it’s the girls and the guys and most importantly the people that this island draws them into itself.

It’s why maybe I’ve faired pretty well here, it’s why I have nothing but good things to say about people I’ve met along the way, I love them all in their own unique way.  I was talking to my favorite Jenny Blenny today and she said my story was missing something.  It’s missing the details, the vulnerability, the me, the me that is missing.  The part I keep hidden, from boys, from girls.  I give a lot, but to express who the person is and why I love them and why it is “the root of the root and the bud of the bud and the sky of the sky of a tree called life” that makes it beautiful, makes me fall in love and makes me sad to leave and crushed when boys do not work out but still able to get over it and on with it.

Well, lets start with the most recent and least of all known Brett.  He’s my tin man in my dream right?  The tin man needs to go to Oz to get himself a heart, but he does all these things along the way that shows he has a heart, a very big heart.  And if memory serves me correctly the tin man was a tin man because he lost his family, or his wife or something like that and they turned him into a tin man and said that he didn’t have a heart.  Brett has a heart, he has a big heart.  It’s not with me and never will be, but I fell in love with that bit of him.  He’s the nice guy.  Descriptions, Jenny said tell more descriptions so here I go.  This is how I see it all. 

The first time I met Brett, or at least the first time I remember him was we (Chase, Kala and me) were up at the double docks watching the sunset.  Fish, Brett and a few other coco-nuts (that’s what we call the kids who work at Coconut Tree) come up to hang out with us and watch the beautiful sunset.  I thought Brett was cute.  This was before Fish and DMT2 and I tried to talk to him, but he didn’t say two words.  Apparently he had a girlfriend who was coming back soon.  I’ve heard mixed reviews about her, ok wait no I haven’t.  I don’t mean to be mean, but I’ve only heard bad things about her.  Well, regardless about her, he was a good boyfriend for not saying anything to me that could be misconstrued as flirting or whatever.  It’s only after they broke up did he really talk to me.  And the night that he and I had our “fling”, flirt or kiss whatever she was sitting there watching us.  I only realized it afterwards and tonite told him.  But perhaps he is still bewitched by her or maybe she has decided to be true to herself and realize what a great guy she actually has and they can be happy.  Well, lets not speculate and get down to the nitty gritty.  The bud of the bud, the root of the root about Mr. Brett.  He wears caps, like the old man type of caps.  The kind of caps my grandfather used to wear.  He’s got curly brown hair, with the tips a little dyed from the sun.  He loves diving and when asked what his super power would be he said it would be to be underwater breathing for as long as he wanted to be.  Kala, Amanda and I said that teleportation would be ours and we had never heard his response before.  Brett is an artist.  He went to some school back in the East and does at least photography, maybe more stuff but I haven’t properly hung out with him and haven’t gotten to know him.  Max and I read or looked at the pictures from his book that he made.   Brett is the kind of guy who doesn’t say much and thinks things maybe a bit too much, but he’s going to find that girl someday who rocks his world and compliments him and is as sweet as he is and just wants to be underwater and not shaking the ground that he walks on.  I don’t know that much about him, but this is what I know, this is what I think, I think he’s a great guy who deserves so much more than he’s chasing after.  That will be the meanest thing that I write in this blog.  I apologize to her for being rude, but he’s amazing and deserves someone as amazing as he is.  Forever Brett will be my tin man.

The lion, the cowardly lion.  DMT2 or as he goes by in real life, Michael.  Yes, I’m being vulnerable.  I’m showing my side, I’m facing fears and telling you who these people are.  Michael looks a bit like a lion.  He’s got curly brown blonde hair, blonde from the sun and diving.  He’s very trim, he’s got a nice body.  He’s pretty hairy and truth be told sometimes he doesn’t wear deodorant, which strangely enough is sometimes a turn on and sometimes a major turn off.  He’s my cowardly lion and I love lions.  I love boys who are like lions, they are proud and a bit arrogant but underneath it all they just want to purr and to be loved and adored.  Most lions are loyal.  Michael was not so loyal.  No wait, we were never in a serious relationship, but the closest thing to that I’ve been here on the island.  He told me three times that he really, really liked me but that he wasn’t in love with me and didn’t want to hurt me.  Have I ever told you how much I hate it when people, especially guys say I’m sorry?  Ok, yes sorry can be bit of a oops sorry I bumped into you or sorry I got your order wrong or really I messed it all up.  But when a guy says he’s sorry all I want to do is whack them in the face.  Really fing hard.  Don’t ever say your sorry because it means that you don’t like what you did.  I’m not sorry because I try my hardest not to do things that I don’t like, I try so hard not to regret and so far, I haven’t regretted a single thing.  The sorry for me seems a bit of a cop out.  It’s a dominance thing.  It’s trying to think that you’ve hurt the other person.  Ok, if a person says that you’ve hurt them, let me  clarify, you should say I am really fing sorry.  But to say sorry out of the blue or if no baby I don’t want to go home with you tonite, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry baby, I really like you, but I don’t like you enough.  Ugh, really maybe I don’t like you enough.  But I do love you to know if I want something I’ll do it and if I am hurting myself or think I’m hurting you I won’t do it.  Wow, I’m getting kind of agro, but it’s the truth.  So the cowardly lion, I would have dated him for the remainder period of the time we had here but he never stepped up and said it.  He’s such a lion and a bit cowardly.  He would cuddle me at night, he would walk around like a lion prouncing and shake his curls at times.  He had groomed his facial hair to look a little bit more distinguished, which I admit made him look very sexy to me.  If he had the courage to tell me what he was feeling or to know what he was feeling versus some sort of game it might have been different.  But the cards are already dealt.  There were times where I think I could have liked him more than just the initial attraction, the loving him for talking about sailing and his adventures around the world and loving him for more than just his lion-like qualities.  The end for me was a two fold, the finally telling me for the third time that he just wasn’t that into me but that he thought I was the coolest girl on the island and the second one was the night at the Jenny Blenny cabin.  He was sitting in her hammock, swinging with his curly locks and his smirking grin, smoking a cigar being crude and rude to Jenny.  He’s been quite sweet since then, but at the end of the day I can’t go back to what has already been.  I will always love him and hope that someday, when he meets a girl as cool as he thinks I am that he will have the courage to say to her, I like you.

Fish, Bisch is his name, Bisch not Fish.  Oh Bisch, you are forever my scarecrow.  I told him tonite as I was telling both him and Brett my dream, yes I’m that freaking honest and yes it is that small of a town, where you are hanging out with the two guys that you have slept with and they are already friends and probably have had one or two things to say about you, well I opened it up and made no secrets because I’m not sorry about any of it.  Anyway, as I was telling Bisch that he was my scarecrow he said “I’m not a scarecrow, if I only had a brain” and knocked my drink on the ground while doing a bit of a jig, it’s perfect.  My show should be a life.  Bisch is a dreamer.  He’s so spiritual and finds happiness and beauty in everything.  He’s got straw like hair and I’ve always connected with him the most out of all the guys.  Not that we’ve been on the same level, but we’ve always been honest with one another.  Of course, he like the other two has said sorry, to which after this point dear reader you can see me freaking out, but when he said it it was the first time.  Bisch had a girl coming here.  A girl he liked.  She had come here for a week vacation and had fallen in love with the place and perhaps Bisch too, she sold everything and moved her life here.  I have met her once and just barely, but she dances just like him.  Happy and a bit spastic but happy none the less.  Bisch is happy now, he told me, he’s in love and he has a great life here now.  We both agreed that we had a good go when it went, but in the long run, his head was somewhere else with some other girl.  He had told me in the beginning and through out I knew and still know, perhaps that is why he has hurt me the least.  To tell the truth, I’ve been frustrated with them all, but they haven’t hurt me to the core.  Sure my ego has been bruised but I’ve never really been “rejected” in my life, so I’ve been trying to be more honest and more vulnerable, although my heart has still been at home during this time and I’m not sure if I can be as vulnerable there as I’ve been here.  So Bisch, he’s a bit of a straw man, with straw like hair, he walks a bit funny and dances a bit funny, but not in a way that you would make fun of.  It’s more the adoring the bits and bobs of his uniqueness.   Bisch, was Fish because he loves the underwater it’s his zen time.  He talks about it like it’s the most amazing feeling and spiritual connection in the world.  Which for the most part it is.  He’s my fish, he’s my scarecrow.  Even though he told me he didn’t want to hurt me and told me everything about this amazing girl who was coming to stay and we were honest, his head was never in the game.  Mine wasn’t either, but even though we never lied to each other or manipulated one another our minds never truly connected.  He was always thinking about the other girl coming.  He’s got it and I think he’s got the brains to sustain it, god knows he has the heart and the courage.

Well, this Dorothy is tired, so tired.  She leaves soon and she is going for another hike tomorrow with Dorte.  I don’t know how I’m going to fill in all this time for the people that I love so much.  But the boys, I’ve seen them all tonight.  It’s that kind of town, I love them all and if I don’t see them again before I leave, I think they all know that I do love them each in their own way.  I’ll miss my scarecrow, my cowardly lion and my tin man and love them in their own way.  I’ll carry them in my heart, forever.

Somewhere Over the Rainbow?

 Daily Cosmic Calendar:  “Perhaps this day will bring the calm after yesterday's storm that was initiated by the near simultaneous stations of asteroid Vesta and distant planet Pluto. As this calendar has suggested for the last 28+ years, celestial events on one day don't necessarily disappear the day after. Instead, there can be a cumulative effect, a layering of several days' cycles and alignments in any given 24-hour time-period.”  Sometimes it’s hard not to think the world revolves around you.  I’m in my Saturn return.  A Saturn Return is believed to be an astrological phenomenon that occurs at the ages of 27-30, 58-60, and finally from 86-88 (if you make it that far).  The reason why it is called a Saturn return is because it takes about 29.5 years for Saturn to make one orbit around the sun.  Astrologers say that during this time a person must cross over a big change or threshold to enter in the next stage of their life.  The first Saturn Return, the person leaves their youth behind and enters adult-hood, the second they reach maturity and the final is that the person enters into wise old age.  The first one is the most famous because it is a test of character and a test of what the person has grown and built themselves on over the previous 30 years.  It’s a time of change and to get out of old ways of thinking, living, communicating that aren’t productive for that person.  It’s a time of reevaluation and life restructuring.  It can be positive or negative, but most of the time it’s just figuring yourself out one more time, yet again.  I’m officially 29 and a few days and apparently, according to the daily cosmic calendar there was a storm somewhere in the universe and I guess, that this has been culminating for 28+ years.   I know; I know the world doesn’t revolve around me, it revolves around the sun.  I got it but sometimes the coincidences are a bit strong.  I know, I know astrology can be read and make sense for a lot of people, it’s generalizing and it’s usually us who make the connections that we want to make, it does make for an interesting conversation about life though.  Oh ya, and there was a bit of a storm yesterday in my life too.

I woke up this morning at Maggie’s place.  Maggie is, excuse me was, dating Mr. 2 who is also her roommate.  Anyway, I woke up this morning and remembered my dream.  It was a pretty intense dream and very realistic to me.  My dream was that I was Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz.  I loved that movie growing up.  I used to nanny for this little girl, who is now a teenager (I am getting older!) and when I would blow dry her hair we would sing “Somewhere over the rainbow”.  I would always get these two verses mixed up, but it didn’t matter because she liked hearing me sing while her hair was being dried.  The two verses that I always got mixed up were “somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue” and “somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly”.  Anyway, Dorothy longs for a place “where troubles melt like lemon drops”, she meets tons of characters along the way and has adventures.  I’m trying not to write too much about other people’s drama in this land far far away where skies are blue and I wish upon a star, but poor Maggie had a rough night last night.  Mr. 2 and her broke up earlier in the week because he kissed another girl, they had been dating for a month or so and been living together as well.  Mr. 2 liked another girl and kissed her, Maggie and him broke up.  Maggie didn’t come home one night and then last night, Mr. 2 brought home a girl.  Oh, Maggie.  I met Maggie at the Blue Marlin, I was hanging out with my little Maria Jose after working at the Argentinean for a little goodbye glass of wine and Maggie told me the story.  We decided to go to 50 Bar where Brett was working.  Oh, Brett.  Sigh, timing is everything?  I’ll get to that later or maybe I’ll just leave it as is.  We get to 50 Bar and they are closing up, but they’ll stay open for one more drink.  We decide to go back to Brett’s place with friends’ of his roommates who are visiting, oh my head is spinning too much troubles and peoples.  Anyway, we hang out.  Maggie doesn’t want to go home alone.  Brett is tired from working all day and all night, I think he likes me.  He said he likes me, but I’m leaving.  The timing is all off.  Time is of the essence?  Time is on our side?  Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the future.  So I go home with Maggie.  We make a bit of noise when we get to her place, Mr. 2 opens the door and, oh yeah, the power is out.  Mr. 2 opens the door and tells us to be quiet because he’s got to go to work in the morning.  We decide to go outside and sit in the mango tree and talk about boys.  Oh boys, boys, boys.  Maggie says she thinks that Brett is an actual nice guy, he has a heart and doesn’t want to get hurt.  Mr. 2, I’m not really quite sure what’s up with him, but we are sitting under the mango tree when he walks out with a girl, the girl that he cheated on Maggie with and walks her home.  Then he comes back.  It was definitely a storm, then the lights came back on and I went inside because I was getting eaten alive by the mosquitoes and the last thing I need is to get Malaria again before I leave.  Maggie and I are nice girls, actually most girls are nice girls.  And maybe, most guys are nice guys.  They have to be, I have to believe that.  Is this part of my Saturn return to think that maybe most guys aren’t nice guys?  I thought Mr. 2 was a nice guy, he is a nice guy, I know that Brett is a nice guy.  I guess that you shouldn’t push it with the whole nice thing, everyone makes mistakes. 

I’ve been pushing it with Brett and it won’t work out.  Partly because I like him, even though I don’t know him, partly because I’m leaving.  I stumbled upon the online dating site the other night with my roommate and we had a good laugh.  My favorite is the guys who say they are intelligent and misspell intelligent.  My two favorites; one who is a definite no no because he has rules: “Rule 1. My type includes; brunets [sic] exclusively, brains are mandatory, down to earth, confident but not too much, trustworthy and independent.  Rule 2. I don't do; mental cases, standoffish or secretive friends, family or associate. Anyone with a criminal background need not apply.  Rule 3. If we aren't having sex then we are just friends, that means you pay your way until things change.”  Everything is wrong with him, but I did like the guy who said: “Money can't buy happiness. That phrase should end with just kidding. Because money can buy a jetski. Have you ever seen someone unhappy on a jetski?”  Ugh, I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.  Anyway, I usually don’t push guys, but on Sunday I went for a walk with Dorte.  She showed me the iron shore, which is evidently right next to where Brett works.  I said hi.  I had seen him the night before because Chase, Kala, Mo,  Eddie and DMT2 and I went to a “rave” (more like a party) on the beach.  We stopped off at 50 Bar before we went to the “rave” and he was working there.  Anyway, saw Brett again on Sunday, unintentionally and then on Monday a bit kinda, intentionally.  I was taking care of Max and we went to the iron shore to look for crabs.  We hung out with Brett at the diveshop where he works and Max looked at books, including one that Brett had made.  I felt like a stalker.  Later, Mo, Max and I went to go shopping for his birthday party decorations and as I was telling Mo about Brett, I told her that he was working at the Green Flash Bar and she said that we should go there for a drink.  I kinda wanted to, I kinda didn’t want to but we went.  I stayed until he closed up, Mo and Max had left earlier.  No I wasn’t crazy girl sitting at the bar alone, I was talking to this very nice guy who was from England and a commercial diver.  Anyway, Brett closes up.  I walk out with him, he’s tired.  He’s been working all day and all night.  We kiss, I go home.  I’m running out of time and should not focus on that and enjoy my last days here. 

On Monday Dorte takes me for a walk someplace different.  We go on a crocodile walk.  It was so much fun exploring with her.  She’s started telling me stories about how she and Uwe met, how they came here, how they got the shop and all those good things.  Here’s a bit to share:

“How Uwe and Dorte ended up on Roatan”

The idea of moving or at least revisit Central America got planted in their heads in the end of the eighties. They had visited friends in Guatemala and El Salvador and just fell in love with the country.  Almost 10 years passed before they came back to Central America. First Uwe and Dorte had to live out the dream of having a house on the countryside in Denmark with garden, dogs, cats, chickens, ducks and a pig.  Every Sunday they would study the travel section in the newspaper and dream of places far away.  Then one Sunday, a Danish journalist had a brilliant article about the Bay Islands and Roatan, and it just sounded to be the place you have to visit.  They were still not divers at that time, but they kept the article and made it a goal that one time they would go there. In the meantime Uwe got certified as a CMAS diver at the local diveclub.  Dorte was not as hardcore and chose to get Padi certified on Crete, Greece.  Anyhow, she managed to join Uwe and his drysuit buddies for around 10 cold water dives on the west coast of Denmark.  Then finally the day came, Uwe and Dorte had saved up for a month vacation to ROATAN in October 1998.  It took a bit longer to save up, because every time they were close, the car broke down and had to be fixed.... Anyways. They arrived and, of course, the taxi driver tells them that Dolphin Hotel is the only place that has room available this late of the day. By the way they still do that to people arriving late in the day. [The Dolphin Hotel is a super shitty hotel.]  They go for a little stroll, and first impression is THATS IT?  That’s gonna be 4 long weeks. Well, they did find a nicer place to stay at Geophries Tropical Hide away and met tall skinny Dutch Ron. They are still big friends. Shared a lot of rum and stories and still do, by the way.

Uwe and Dorte went diving every day. Everything was beautiful a pristine. Huge groupers the size of Dorte, her new dive buddies. Then it was fall 1998. Hurricane season. Well, of course, Hurricane Mitch passed by to say hello. It was interesting days. No power -no water- no internet. Well internet was not very common those days anyway.  So the news about the storm was sparse. Rudy’s [the owner of Geophries] family decided they should empty the concrete water cistern and use it as a shelter. All right, so they did. They were all prepared. But Mitch just kept harassing Guanaja and they got just close enough.

So one might think, that’s it, they are never coming back. No, for them, seeing people helping people in the community effort at getting things back on track and collect to them that lost stuff was the most amazing thing. Unfortunately, they had to leave a week early because of family issues back home.  They thanked everyone for a great time, and told Ron, Hi Dutch boy, we will be back and be your neighbor again.  Uwe and Dorte went back to Denmark sold the rest of their belongings (the car they sold to the mechanic, well, he knew they had replaced all parts possible).  

So Uwe and Dorte pack their bags once again in January 1999, this time for a bit longer. They arrived in Miami on Superbowl weekend. Great! No room under a $100 to be found. Welcome to Miami.  They arrived on a beautiful sunny day in Roatan and this time they didn’t believe the taxi driver.  So there they were. No plans at all.  They dove a lot and gained experience of the reef and above water, the island life. How things work or not work. How patience can be worth gold.  Uwe does his divemaster and later instructor. Dorte learns to go diving without Uwe being her dive buddy. A guy named Clyde assured he would look after her. And he did. So Uwe gains experience as divemaster, instructor, gains knowledge about equipment maintenance, air compressors and boat engines.  Dorte gains experience being the shop girl and observe and learn what she would do and not do if it was her shop. As a former veterinary assistant she would go to volunteer at the clinic in Coxen Hole once a week when the veterinary came over from La Ceiba. So dogs and cats, don't get sick any other days of the week!

After 14 months, they decided it was time to see other places than Central America. Of they went to Asia. 4 months later they are back in Roatan! And it was great to come back "home".  They missed it so much.  They got their old jobs back. And then Uwe and Dorte got to be friends with Tyll.  That started a whole new chapter.”

I’m still gathering the stories quickly before I leave and hopefully will get more to share.  Anyway, Dorte is the perfect adventure buddy.  We walked along the crocodile walk, we walked to the abandoned Inn at Last Resort, we found a beautiful bay looking out to Gibson Bite protected by the reef.  There is the coolest spot for a bar in the bay, on sticks looking out into the beautiful Caribbean.  It’s abandoned and you can tell that one day not too far off it was the happening place, there are still things written on the wood that time has not faded.  After Maggie had her stormy night I decided to share this gem with her.  I did not have my bathing suit, but we decided to go for a bit of swim in the bay.  I told Maggie about my dream.

I was Dorothy and Fish was the Scarecrow, DMT2 was the Cowardly Lion and Brett was the Tin Man.  We were walking along a path and I looked down and saw my ruby red slippers.  They were the crocs that my mom had left for me when she was here.  I clicked my heels and said there is no place like home and woke up.  For Dorothy, at the end, when she misses her balloon flight back to Kansas, she thinks she’ll live forever in Oz.  Then Glinda, the good witch says that she’s always had the power to return home, through the power of the ruby slippers.  The good witch tells Dorothy that she never told her that before because she needed to find out for herself that she didn’t need to run away to find her heart’s desire.  I’m counting down the days now, it’s been a great dream and I’m almost ready to wake up.